The Concept of Marriage

I was speaking to a very very close friend (name withheld as I realised that a lot of people read this). I am entering a new chapter of commitment in my personal life and therefore was very curious about how people decide on that one person in life. And lately a lot of my friends are taking that "crucial" step in their life. What is interesting is that all the people whom I have asked (except one) say that they were motivated by love. I was, for reasons unknown, fairly surprised by the answer. I realise that love and mutual respect are key ingredients for a lasting relationship but not the primary ones. Or are they?

Am I being delusional in thinking that for a lasting relationship one needs a synchronicity in arenas other than the matters of the heart? What about if the person is a bad cook, or worse, is the complete antithesis of your own lifestyle? What would one do? Do you:

1. Change who you are and therefore try to accommodate this new person in your life? By this logic if both of your make the changes does it not make up a couple with unhappy and unfulfilled hopes and dreams about the future? What is the point then?
2. Stay stubborn and expect the other to change? If so then you will be still miserable and fight till you do or do not get your way. Which would account for domestic upheavals and dissatisfaction
3. Talk about it and come to a mutual agreement? Though an ideal solution it is not always a viable one. When it is a question of a relationship it is bound to be a matter of heart. In my experience, where the heart it concerned, any rational judgement is difficult to the point of being absurd. No matter how well you rationalise a situation it will touch your emotions in the form of pride, ego, sensibilities, etc.

So then you are stuck with the question in the end. What do you do? Is there something called the "perfect relationship". Or is it just an urban myth? (for further reference watch pyar ka punchnama). How does one tell the other that their table manners are appalling while listening to a critique of ones own culinary skills? I would think that as the conversation continues one fails to realise when the thin line between rational argument and daft allegations has been blurred. I know I never do till its too late. No matter what one says after that, it is never enough to say that one is genuinely sorry and move on. Grudges are difficult to give up, like bad habits. Even though you realise that it is just plain wrong to cling onto them, letting go seems much more difficult than you anticipated.

So coming back to the commitment argument, is it good enough to know that you are in love? Much though I want to believe in the "magic" of love, I find it hard to believe that well educated, well traveled who are also well versed with the ways of life would commit this fatal error. The error in believing that love would conquer all. After a few years love would fade. I am sure that everyone has families and a favourite family member too. Does one always love them? I remember there were some years when I used to absolutely loathe my brother. My brother now is the knight in a shinning armour in my life. I would still be testing the very limits of my patience and love to have to spend extended period of my life in close proximity to him. He is family. When one is in a relationship there is a whole new dimension of the person being a complete stranger till a few days/weeks/months/years back. I fail to understand how one reconciles with that fact.

The saddest part though for me is that other than a few handful of people most of the couples I know are very young. The oldest one is just 6 years old. I don't think that is long enough to realise the full potential of the biggest asset or mistake of one's life. Sure, most of them look happy, but they also do not advertise their marital troubles in public. As most relationships are self inflicted, it would seem a big dent on their pride/ego to let such a "shame" out in the open. Nonetheless it would make an interesting study for me.

The best answer that I have had is also the most interesting one. When I asked this person about why they committed to the relationship in such a public manner, they said because it was time. It was either that or another relationship and frankly there was not much left emotionally to invest in a new relationship. Put it crudely "its a price ones paid for the relationship". I think when one is not blinded by the euphoria of love they know exactly what they are entering into. Sure it does not preclude them from committing the mistakes that the others make but it ensures they are not blindsided by disasters. Perhaps it is less romantic and perhaps it is a very cynical view of the world but I believe that less misbelief brings about stronger ties and better decisions when mutual comfort is concerned.

You might argue that it is possibly better to be happy for a short while than be unaffected forever. Its good to enjoy the lull before the storm. But my retort is that why disturb the lull? There is a storm in the making then secure the shelter and take cover. If you are the one stirring up a storm then maybe step back and see that the feces hitting the fan is of your own making.

Also why is it important that if you agree to a commitment you have to make a public display of it? If you trust and are sure of the other person then why the whole hullabaloo about it? What do you do when things go south later. As I am acutely aware there is no 'polite' way of getting out of a social commitment why go though with it at all? Some questions are indeed rhetorical and do not merit an answer. I hope someone plans to forgo the rhetorical and tell me anyways.

Better Me?

I have been speaking to my sister in law lately. She is a part of 'art of life' group and as they say....... she is a believer. I have always scoffed at these self help things. But having spoken to her for some time now I am not sure being cynical about these things is much help either. I think there is a kernel of truth there. There is always something that one can connect to in the huge scheme of things that are covered in there.

For instance much ado about love; finding the "other half of you". I am a closet romantic and for the longest time I believed that there would be that one somebody who will connect to my soul or something is those lines. That one person who will be there when I sleep and when I wake up. Some one to share my happiness and despair. But a part of me (which is growing by the day) believes that this is all bull-crap. Lucky are those people who spend their lives in the happy oblivion of believing in the other half concept.

I think I need to be complete, content and confident in my own skin for anyone to like me. If I do not like myself, and not treat myself as a complete and sane person, no one else would . I would not like to be with myself, if truth be told. Chhavi (sis-in-law) tells me that I need to be happy from within. She says (and I quote here) "people like to be with happy souls not sad ones". I agree with her. I do not know many people who actively search for sad people, unless they are social workers or just plain masochist.

I look at it this way. I would much rather miss on the chocolate cake right now rather than miss out on the blackforest cake later. Actually scratch that off. I would probably break all the rules and gobble it up at the same time! I would get another comparison soon. But for all those hopeful monsters, its time you grew up.

Home Affairs

I had hope that being away from home had given me reprieve from home discontent. It seems clearly not. The thing is that the moment you come in contact with someone from home you can no longer sit on the fence and stall. Its back to haggling and compromising and trying to get your way while keeping everyone a little content. I am not even talking about making people happy. Existing in a family unit on a day to day basis makes you realize that you have been living in a kindergarten; you being one of the unreasonable and incompetent kid who refuses to move from her ass.

Having distance, has helped me to understand the futility of haggling and fighting or even talking about the petty issues which take a life of their own. When I am out of that warped place, I think "hey I think we are getting a little crazy here!!". Its also easy to be nice once you are away from home. One of the perks of seeing our parents less often is that I appear nicer to them than Bhai.

Having had the distance has allowed me to be more realistic about domestic tussles. I agree with what every person in the family :). Given the motives that drive them, I think they are in the "right". The best part of being away from them is that I can be on either side and at the same point or neither. Call me a bitch but it works. Till I have to jump into the fray and commit to one side I refuse to be drawn out. I will have to once I decide when I get married and have a family of my own. It will have a priority over the relationships I have right now. Maybe I will loose some of them, some of them will be distanced but as long as I can, I will hedge and bide my time.........

I Wish............

1. that I had paid attention to my mom's instructions about taking care of my hair.
2. that I had made fewer better friends.
3. that I had inherited the genes my brother got from my parents.
4. that I was better at making friends.
5. that I missed my brother less.
6. that my current boyfriend was my first.
7. that I had continued with my music education
8. My brother was my dad.

But life happens only once and as one of the post doc in our lab says shit happens. Clean it up and move on!!

Cold Cold December........ and January

It seems there is a new fashion rage in town and it is called cynicism.... Its good to know that some things are changing for the worse. Being an eternal cynicist (is it a word), it is reassuring that the people around me are suffering, if not more, equally with things they have to come in terms with.

On the other hand the last year has seen me as more of an optimist than someone harboring a long and arduous relationship with cynicism. I don't know whether age or the optimism of the people has actually rubbed off on me. But I plan to become a better person just to spite the rest of the world. I know............. I feel much happier in my skin. If you know me, you will know for sure it is a humongous skin to play with! It feels better to be me nowadays. Its cool to be me in my world for a change, which is a very significant leap of faith on my behalf.

On the other hand people around me are grumpy, angry and just in general lacking the excitement and drive in life barring a few. I wonder why. My brother blames this on the weather. I would have disagreed with him but there seems to be a grain to truth in the big bullshit theory.

My happiest and and fondest memories are of winters. Snow, wind, rain and cold makes me cheerful. Cloudy sky marks the beginning of a wonderful and fulfilling day for me. Surprising? But that is me. Although for most people the most fun is had when one is snuggled in the bed and reading a thoroughly gratifying book or person. True, these things are fun. But imagine going out for a run in freezing cold and running till your lungs hurt because of all the cold chilling air around you. You get back and peel off the frozen clothes and step into a scalding hot shower. I don't know about you but I feel invigorated. Glad, ecstatic even, to be alive.

I spent my New Year's Eve getting drunk and breaking my voice chords with "friends". On the first day on the year I came to the town in the middle of the evening. It was quiet dark and empty as people were still recovering from last evening's revelry. I walked trough the near empty streets and looked at the Christmas light decorations still on the arcades, shops and the streets. It was pure bliss. The quiet has a voice of its own. I heard it loud and clear that evening. It felt like I was the only one alive in this whole wide world. Walking into the city in a post apocalyptic world where everything including electricity and trains are still functional!! I know I am very bright!!

Winters winters don't go away. Be here for the whole year! Happy New Year.

Memories - Old and New

Have you ever noticed how the world quietens when it snows? I think this was my first observation about the first snow fall I saw in Switzerland. It as quiet as a tomb. The cars run slower, people walk slower. You see less people around even though every one still manages to get to work on time. The peace and quiet is almost like Delhi during foggy winter nights. But unlike Delhi it does not feel threatening. I do not worry what lies on the next dark corner when I am walking or running early in the morning. I can go running at 4 or 5 in the morning with my podcasts running without any fear of getting hit and mugged here. I think that is an advantage you have for running at the temperature of -5!

But it sure is a pity. Delhi is a beautiful city. It is to me. The city which is the center of politics and power. I have always felt that about the city. The city of "jugaad" and "jack". Where it matters where you live and whom you know. Where it matter in which circle you hang out. Whether you are in the "in crowd". It is dirty and downright disgusting sometimes to see how things run there. But I grew up in that city. I have 18 years of memories of that city. Most good, some bad and some fairly unpleasant. But that is my city. Recently, I have heard some of my friends move to other cities mostly Mumbai and have gushed how much better the city is. How much safer it is and how much more happening that city is. But I still feel that my loyalties lie with Saddi Dilli.

I feel almost the same for Bern now. I have made a lot of memories in Bern in the past three years. All of them different and fun and of a completely different vein than the ones I made in Delhi. I think I have changed as a person here. I hope I have grown to be a better person for me. A more honest person to myself. I think I lie a lot less since I am here as I am responsible for myself and it is much easier to say the truth to oneself than to the rest of the world. My Bern memories are few and far between but they are my memories. I have not shared them with anyone. They are a part of me and someday if someone is lucky enough I might just share those memories with them................ Though some of the memories are indeed shared. I guess that is how it is supposed to be. Bern has been quiet as a tomb or loud as a concert for me. It has been like a brother to me or a mortal enemy. But the city has always been there for me unlike people.

I guess that is one of the main reasons why my loyalties towards the my cities is much stronger than people. Even with Delhi I have memories of late nights with no worry of getting into trouble. Though sadly those memories are not my own. But they exist. I have been lucky in my choice of cities till now and I hope that this will be so in the future too. I think good cities bring out the best in me.

On a more fun note. Have you ever tried running in the snow? Its like running on the beach only much much much much colder! In short super cool...............

For Entertainment Only?

I have been following some of the new chat shows and reality shows for some time on the recommendation of my friends here and back home. I will be the first one to admit that I am one of those who dig their womanly claws in crazy on your face shows. But over time, as I see these shows they just don't register anymore. I mean the violence and anger and bad mouthing people. It seems not only pedestrian but also mundane now. This has led me to think about all the violent video games and action/horror movie which show blood and gore to the maximum. We are so well conditioned to all the unpleasantness and death that the suffering in real life just does not register well into our conscience. I wonder why though.

Mother Theresa once said that she cannot see the suffering of the millions of people in the world but of the people she sees around her at an individual level. If that is true about the human nature, it would be sad indeed; as it would mean that every person needs to suffer each kind of tragedy on a personal level to really evoke any emotion in them. That would make the already suffering world truly unbearable.

I think true horror or terror in a situation is when the threat persists. Everyone can fight and counteract the demons one can see and confront. How can one fight that which is invisible? For example you can fight a direct threat or comment, but how do you fight a rumor? That will be one's downfall in time and also one's undoing.

As I said before the allure and disgust registers deepest with the most subtle provocations. Humans are intelligent beings. Even the dumbest one, given the time, follows the same path of metal destruction; if only given a mere hint of threat. Maybe I am alone in thinking that subtle is good. It also allows you to understand the impact of the more severe possibilities in life (both good and bad) in a better relief. But I think the television people think that life is banal and they are exciting. How wrong can one get? I believe that every one has to create their own subtleties and drama in the same time slot.

On a side track I think that is also the problem with our horror industry. They either need to commit to blood and gore or the undying indirect threats. They unfortunately commit to neither! And the commercial breaks...............Nothing kills pain and death and everything scary like an "idea jo badal de zindagi"!!!