Better Me?

I have been speaking to my sister in law lately. She is a part of 'art of life' group and as they say....... she is a believer. I have always scoffed at these self help things. But having spoken to her for some time now I am not sure being cynical about these things is much help either. I think there is a kernel of truth there. There is always something that one can connect to in the huge scheme of things that are covered in there.

For instance much ado about love; finding the "other half of you". I am a closet romantic and for the longest time I believed that there would be that one somebody who will connect to my soul or something is those lines. That one person who will be there when I sleep and when I wake up. Some one to share my happiness and despair. But a part of me (which is growing by the day) believes that this is all bull-crap. Lucky are those people who spend their lives in the happy oblivion of believing in the other half concept.

I think I need to be complete, content and confident in my own skin for anyone to like me. If I do not like myself, and not treat myself as a complete and sane person, no one else would . I would not like to be with myself, if truth be told. Chhavi (sis-in-law) tells me that I need to be happy from within. She says (and I quote here) "people like to be with happy souls not sad ones". I agree with her. I do not know many people who actively search for sad people, unless they are social workers or just plain masochist.

I look at it this way. I would much rather miss on the chocolate cake right now rather than miss out on the blackforest cake later. Actually scratch that off. I would probably break all the rules and gobble it up at the same time! I would get another comparison soon. But for all those hopeful monsters, its time you grew up.

Home Affairs

I had hope that being away from home had given me reprieve from home discontent. It seems clearly not. The thing is that the moment you come in contact with someone from home you can no longer sit on the fence and stall. Its back to haggling and compromising and trying to get your way while keeping everyone a little content. I am not even talking about making people happy. Existing in a family unit on a day to day basis makes you realize that you have been living in a kindergarten; you being one of the unreasonable and incompetent kid who refuses to move from her ass.

Having distance, has helped me to understand the futility of haggling and fighting or even talking about the petty issues which take a life of their own. When I am out of that warped place, I think "hey I think we are getting a little crazy here!!". Its also easy to be nice once you are away from home. One of the perks of seeing our parents less often is that I appear nicer to them than Bhai.

Having had the distance has allowed me to be more realistic about domestic tussles. I agree with what every person in the family :). Given the motives that drive them, I think they are in the "right". The best part of being away from them is that I can be on either side and at the same point or neither. Call me a bitch but it works. Till I have to jump into the fray and commit to one side I refuse to be drawn out. I will have to once I decide when I get married and have a family of my own. It will have a priority over the relationships I have right now. Maybe I will loose some of them, some of them will be distanced but as long as I can, I will hedge and bide my time.........

I Wish............

1. that I had paid attention to my mom's instructions about taking care of my hair.
2. that I had made fewer better friends.
3. that I had inherited the genes my brother got from my parents.
4. that I was better at making friends.
5. that I missed my brother less.
6. that my current boyfriend was my first.
7. that I had continued with my music education
8. My brother was my dad.

But life happens only once and as one of the post doc in our lab says shit happens. Clean it up and move on!!

Cold Cold December........ and January

It seems there is a new fashion rage in town and it is called cynicism.... Its good to know that some things are changing for the worse. Being an eternal cynicist (is it a word), it is reassuring that the people around me are suffering, if not more, equally with things they have to come in terms with.

On the other hand the last year has seen me as more of an optimist than someone harboring a long and arduous relationship with cynicism. I don't know whether age or the optimism of the people has actually rubbed off on me. But I plan to become a better person just to spite the rest of the world. I know............. I feel much happier in my skin. If you know me, you will know for sure it is a humongous skin to play with! It feels better to be me nowadays. Its cool to be me in my world for a change, which is a very significant leap of faith on my behalf.

On the other hand people around me are grumpy, angry and just in general lacking the excitement and drive in life barring a few. I wonder why. My brother blames this on the weather. I would have disagreed with him but there seems to be a grain to truth in the big bullshit theory.

My happiest and and fondest memories are of winters. Snow, wind, rain and cold makes me cheerful. Cloudy sky marks the beginning of a wonderful and fulfilling day for me. Surprising? But that is me. Although for most people the most fun is had when one is snuggled in the bed and reading a thoroughly gratifying book or person. True, these things are fun. But imagine going out for a run in freezing cold and running till your lungs hurt because of all the cold chilling air around you. You get back and peel off the frozen clothes and step into a scalding hot shower. I don't know about you but I feel invigorated. Glad, ecstatic even, to be alive.

I spent my New Year's Eve getting drunk and breaking my voice chords with "friends". On the first day on the year I came to the town in the middle of the evening. It was quiet dark and empty as people were still recovering from last evening's revelry. I walked trough the near empty streets and looked at the Christmas light decorations still on the arcades, shops and the streets. It was pure bliss. The quiet has a voice of its own. I heard it loud and clear that evening. It felt like I was the only one alive in this whole wide world. Walking into the city in a post apocalyptic world where everything including electricity and trains are still functional!! I know I am very bright!!

Winters winters don't go away. Be here for the whole year! Happy New Year.