The Concept of Marriage

I was speaking to a very very close friend (name withheld as I realised that a lot of people read this). I am entering a new chapter of commitment in my personal life and therefore was very curious about how people decide on that one person in life. And lately a lot of my friends are taking that "crucial" step in their life. What is interesting is that all the people whom I have asked (except one) say that they were motivated by love. I was, for reasons unknown, fairly surprised by the answer. I realise that love and mutual respect are key ingredients for a lasting relationship but not the primary ones. Or are they?

Am I being delusional in thinking that for a lasting relationship one needs a synchronicity in arenas other than the matters of the heart? What about if the person is a bad cook, or worse, is the complete antithesis of your own lifestyle? What would one do? Do you:

1. Change who you are and therefore try to accommodate this new person in your life? By this logic if both of your make the changes does it not make up a couple with unhappy and unfulfilled hopes and dreams about the future? What is the point then?
2. Stay stubborn and expect the other to change? If so then you will be still miserable and fight till you do or do not get your way. Which would account for domestic upheavals and dissatisfaction
3. Talk about it and come to a mutual agreement? Though an ideal solution it is not always a viable one. When it is a question of a relationship it is bound to be a matter of heart. In my experience, where the heart it concerned, any rational judgement is difficult to the point of being absurd. No matter how well you rationalise a situation it will touch your emotions in the form of pride, ego, sensibilities, etc.

So then you are stuck with the question in the end. What do you do? Is there something called the "perfect relationship". Or is it just an urban myth? (for further reference watch pyar ka punchnama). How does one tell the other that their table manners are appalling while listening to a critique of ones own culinary skills? I would think that as the conversation continues one fails to realise when the thin line between rational argument and daft allegations has been blurred. I know I never do till its too late. No matter what one says after that, it is never enough to say that one is genuinely sorry and move on. Grudges are difficult to give up, like bad habits. Even though you realise that it is just plain wrong to cling onto them, letting go seems much more difficult than you anticipated.

So coming back to the commitment argument, is it good enough to know that you are in love? Much though I want to believe in the "magic" of love, I find it hard to believe that well educated, well traveled who are also well versed with the ways of life would commit this fatal error. The error in believing that love would conquer all. After a few years love would fade. I am sure that everyone has families and a favourite family member too. Does one always love them? I remember there were some years when I used to absolutely loathe my brother. My brother now is the knight in a shinning armour in my life. I would still be testing the very limits of my patience and love to have to spend extended period of my life in close proximity to him. He is family. When one is in a relationship there is a whole new dimension of the person being a complete stranger till a few days/weeks/months/years back. I fail to understand how one reconciles with that fact.

The saddest part though for me is that other than a few handful of people most of the couples I know are very young. The oldest one is just 6 years old. I don't think that is long enough to realise the full potential of the biggest asset or mistake of one's life. Sure, most of them look happy, but they also do not advertise their marital troubles in public. As most relationships are self inflicted, it would seem a big dent on their pride/ego to let such a "shame" out in the open. Nonetheless it would make an interesting study for me.

The best answer that I have had is also the most interesting one. When I asked this person about why they committed to the relationship in such a public manner, they said because it was time. It was either that or another relationship and frankly there was not much left emotionally to invest in a new relationship. Put it crudely "its a price ones paid for the relationship". I think when one is not blinded by the euphoria of love they know exactly what they are entering into. Sure it does not preclude them from committing the mistakes that the others make but it ensures they are not blindsided by disasters. Perhaps it is less romantic and perhaps it is a very cynical view of the world but I believe that less misbelief brings about stronger ties and better decisions when mutual comfort is concerned.

You might argue that it is possibly better to be happy for a short while than be unaffected forever. Its good to enjoy the lull before the storm. But my retort is that why disturb the lull? There is a storm in the making then secure the shelter and take cover. If you are the one stirring up a storm then maybe step back and see that the feces hitting the fan is of your own making.

Also why is it important that if you agree to a commitment you have to make a public display of it? If you trust and are sure of the other person then why the whole hullabaloo about it? What do you do when things go south later. As I am acutely aware there is no 'polite' way of getting out of a social commitment why go though with it at all? Some questions are indeed rhetorical and do not merit an answer. I hope someone plans to forgo the rhetorical and tell me anyways.